it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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