I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
