Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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