I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
