My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
