I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
