Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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