Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
