the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
