Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
