it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
