If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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