i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
