So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
