You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
