I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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