i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
