genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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