Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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