Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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