god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
