I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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