I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
