to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
