The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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