so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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