i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
