Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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