Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
