I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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