i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
