Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
