Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
