3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
