You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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