I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
