Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
