My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
