Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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