I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
