I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
