im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
