mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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