if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
