I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
