seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
