Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
