If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
