someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
