Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
