wakey wakey hands off snakey
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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