I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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