I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He passed out mid-signature
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
