Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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